Following on from my earlier blogs Positive Co-Parenting – Part 1 and Positive Co-Parenting – Part 2 below are 10 further tips to help positive co-parenting:
- Do not involve the children. Children should not be part of any arguments between adults, and should be kept out of things. Do not discuss issues in front of the children. Do not ask the children to make decisions that adults should be making, this is totally unfair on them. Children should never be placed in a position where they are forced to choose between their parents.
- Support your children in their continued love and need for the other parent. Listen to what they did during their time with the other parent, but never question them or ask them to spy on the other parent. Show them that it is OK to talk about their second home and life there and that it is OK to still love and need both parents.
- Keep the other parent informed of your life events. Do not wait for the children to inform the other parent of events in your life like new partners, or even worse, ask the children to pass messages on for you. This will not give them sufficient time to digest and accept this new development away from the children, and so may lead to upset for the children.
- Accept a new partner of the other parent. It is inevitable that people will move on and form new relationships. Recognise that this new person will not replace you in the eyes of the children. Parents should agree when and how any new partner will be introduced to the children. Do not rush the introduction if the children are not ready and on the flip side do not delay the introduction too much resulting in the relationship being hidden from the children.
- Stick to any agreement and take responsibility for your own actions – once something has been agreed, do not go back on that agreement without good reason. Inform the other parent as soon as possible. Take responsibility for anything which you have done or said, and apologise to the other parent. An apology can go a long way!
- Keep communicating with one another directly. This is vital, as without this, you will not be able to positively co-parent your children. A call may sometimes be better than a text or email which may be mis-interpreted, especially when changing agreed arrangements.
- Ensure you both deal with the children in the same way where possible. Just as when you were together it was necessary to agree how the children will be disciplined, when their bed time is etc; it is just as important to agree this once you have separated. It may also be an idea to talk about issues with the children together in family meetings, so that you both provide the same message to the children. This is especially the case when dealing with questions about the breakup.
- Respect the other parent. If you expect the other parent to keep you informed, to respect you, or behave in a certain way, ensure that you also behave in this way. You cannot expect respect if you are not prepared to give it.
- Support the other parent. Children often act out when there has been a separation, and may play off one parent against the other. They test the boundaries, just like they did when you were together. Support the other parent deal with this behaviour. Just as a child used to claim that ‘Mummy lets me do this’ when you were together, they will continue to do this afterwards. You need to project a united parental front to ensure that the children have continuity, stability and are secure and happy.
- If you really cannot talk to one another, have a handover book. This is a book that travels between the children and in it each parent writes in things about the child e.g. any illnesses, upcoming school or social events for the children, as well as any other issues. In addition use the Our Family Wizard App which is a fantastic tool for parents promoted by Family Law professionals and the Family Court.
Sousa Law are specialist Family Lawyers in Southampton. Should you be struggling with making child arrangements, Sousa Law can help you work towards co-parenting and to ensure that suitable arrangements are put in place through mediation, collaborative law, Arbitration, or if necessary, through the Court process. Contact us on 02380 713060 or by email [email protected]
